The Unspoken Rules of Communication: What Your Team Isn’t Telling You

If you think your employees always tell you the truth, you’re incredibly lucky.

Every leader likes to believe they have an “open-door policy,” but let’s be honest—most employees don’t buy it. Too many have had the experience (often with previous bosses) that speaking too freely gets them labeled as difficult, uncooperative, or worse. So instead of telling you what’s wrong, they tell you some variation what they think you want to hear. Meanwhile, real problems fester, and by the time they surface, they’ve turned into full-blown crises.

The Hidden Truth: The Fear of Speaking Up is Costing You

Your team isn’t lying to you—they’re just editing. And the more senior you are, the more filtered your information becomes. Employees at all levels often avoid sharing hard truths with their boss because they’ve seen what too often happens when others do: nothing, or something bad.

The Fix: Make Honesty the Default (Not the Exception)

If you want the truth, you have to earn it. That means:

• Asking sharper questions

  Replace “Is everything okay?” with “What’s one thing slowing you down that no one’s talking about?” The first few times you may be greeted with silence or be told ‘everything’s fine.’  Keep asking. Someone will finally take the chance and tell you their one thing.

• Proving you can handle bad news

  Employees won’t be honest if they see leaders shoot the messenger. I was leading a team at a financial institution that was redesigning our performance management process based on employee engagement survey results.  We were a cross-level, cross-functional team. The CEO was our sponsor. During a check-in, a team member who worked in a branch, told the CEO a hard truth. We were a little stunned. The CEO was grateful. So grateful that he invited this person to have lunch with him once a month to share her perspectives.

• Making feedback safer.

  Create spaces where people can share insights without fear of retribution. These can be formal or informal.  Share stories of people who shared insights, what the benefit was, and the actions taken. Those stories demonstrate that feedback is expected and welcome. I once worked for a large consulting firm that did the exact opposite. In an office-wide meeting, a consultant asked if we would have the opportunity to provide feedback into Partners’ and Managers’ performance reviews.  The answer was an unequivocal ‘no’. That story spread across the office like wildfire. It reinforced what we already implicitly knew – feedback was not welcome and it was not okay to question anything that a Partner or Manager did. This led to everything from bad habits to unethical behavior defining the culture.

When leaders make honesty a habit—not just a slogan—they stop being the last to know and start making better, faster decisions.